It could perhaps have been one of the worst weeks in awhile. My new best friend dear Gladymay on a visit from Brisbane is this week’s hero. Hugs and headstrokes.

I ran over an elderly Chinese woman today. She is OK. Thankfully. She might have a broken foot. Not to mention the other Ambulance rides and doctor visits this week. I want to hide under a rock for awhile.

But dear Gladymay and I were talking before about staying positive. And now more than ever it’s important because it feels like I’m fighting a losing battle at the moment. But amidst the awfulness of today there were abundant blessings. And I shall hold onto that.

I got home. A little bit overwhelmed. Dear Geoff says, “Do you want me to put on some music? I’ll put on some John Coleman” He knows the way to fix me eh.

It’s another one of those it’s all too hard days today. Frustrating that simply giving up trying doesn’t seem like a viable or attractive option either. But I am plotting ways to begin my new career of anarchy. Gragggh

As I’ve been reading The Alchemist I have been thinking and talking a lot lately about personal missions. Perhaps something I have neglected to really listen to enough. I was reading an article about commitment and how we will naturally be committed to something if it is our personal mission.
And it was talking about commitment not being an intellectual exercise. And I like this idea that it is not intellectual, but I don’t quite know how to reconcile this with hard times which sort of remove that natural desire to be committed. But I don’t for a second really think we should not be committed if it becomes too difficult and perhaps in turn intellectual.

But I could always just have it very wrong.

…and as for personal missions, it’s hard to reconcile the need to listen to ourselves and follow a personal mission, but also to follow the call to commitment. I think personal mission’s become difficult because we live in a world…which has a community and has people and our choices and missions and desires often affect other people. I don’t know what the balance between the individual and the community is really. They are both really important, but I don’t know how to value both equally. I’ve been thinking a lot this week that community is all just too hard. Too hard but too important, which leaves one in a very agonizing tension that tenses and laxes with the joyous dynamics of human interaction.

I have a new hero. The woman at the bank.

Every week I go there and she is there. She is such a merry woman who is so delightful and kind and lovely and sweet. I don’t usually even get her, I just see her chatting to other people and it makes me happy. It makes my day every time. I find it amazing. I think so hard about the best ways to change the world and agonize so much. But I reckon she’s been doing a heck of a lot more just being so lovely at the bank everyday, not necessarily agonizing so much. It’s encouraging. And inspiring. And humbling. I never knew a bank teller could make such a difference to the lives of so many people, but she’s been making my life better.

And while we are honouring lovely people, Robyn from the blood bank is another beautiful woman making people’s lives happier just by the way she is so kind. I admire kindness like theirs.

A while back Joanne and I had decided we should give blood. I was thinking…I’ve always been scared but I want to give blood and it would be good to have someone to hold my hand. Anyway, yesterday we had planned a Jacob, Ghassan, Joanne and Jemma trip for a little blood giving. Minus Jacob we made our way on a little Parramatta adventure. Doing English classes with Ghassan to distract me from my deep heavy breathing we made it all the way there.

I’d say perhaps a motley crew we arrived proud to say “We’d like to give blood.” A little disheartened when we had to say we’d eaten a variety of interesting breakfast items like cake and pasta and toast, we were asked to wait and eat some little pies and quiches. These were quite delicious, and very soothing with the lovely warm assistance of my new best friend Robyn. The hour’s wait didn’t help my nerves.

And the story ends well. I gave blood. I was very scared. I felt elated afterwards. My theory is that conquering a big fear is something that makes one happy. Ghassan’s theory was that losing that much blood does things to your mind and makes you stop thinking. Either way I don’t really care, it was pretty great. I love doing things that are scary. In a strange kind of way. I can’t really articulate the value but I think it’s important to challenge ourselves to do things that scare us. I reckon I’ll do it again. Deep breaths.

“That was what made travelling appeal to him- he always made new friends, and he didn’t need to spend all of his time with them. When someone sees the same people everyday, as had happened with him at the seminary, they wind up becoming a part of that person’s life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn’t what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.”

- Paulo Coelho

I started reading The Alchemist yesterday. It’s a challenging read because explains things that I have not always agreed with in a light that makes sense. It’s particularly relevant at the moment in my life when I’m learning so much from others, people who are so different to me. Oh difference…dear and damned difference.