eee. I just applied for uni. It feels so much more real and scary when you have to click the buttons and pay the money. That’s when you really make the decision. And the questions about whether it really is a good idea start running through your head. But it’s done. Now I just have to hope they let me in. And I can bee a journalisto! Woowoo. Happy happy exciting.

Really starting to see how you can’t please everyone. Which makes one realise that you need to know what you think, because you receive conflicting criticism from people and rather than feel crap about both, better to know what you think. Unfortunately I am one of those people who kind of thinks everything is so complex and can’t really agree with one side of the story but both. Which it makes it sort of difficult to know what to do with such criticism.

…but then maybe it’s good to have criticism from 2 sides. It feels less personal and just like other people have opinions on the matter and it’s not me personally who’s broken and dysfunctional. Which is a good idea, but not always so easy to really think. Being broken really isn’t as fun as they make it out to be.

As for me, I might just get on with being…if I can.

I am happy. It is so nice. I haven’t felt this happy for such a long time. And it’s kind of infectious…on myself. Like I am making myself happier because I am happy. I have been skipping down the street. And singing. And feeling worthwhile and hopeful. And healthy. And contented. And riding my new second hand bike to the market to buy food for dinner.

As Ghassan would say with a smile, ‘Ah nice life’. And it is. I hope it stays. I listened to John Coleman again and it made me happy. Not even that had been working.

It has crossed my mind that I think too much. So I am trying to stop thinking so incessantly, cause whilst it can be useful, so much thinking isn’t very constructive. Some of the thoughts that have been circling arOound my head the past few months have started to stop going in circles, and being met with a gentle sentiment of acceptance.

This all in all is a positive thing, and forward movement, the only problem is that it creates an empty space for NEW thoughts. And I have very conveniently filled that up with new circling thoughts. The new thoughts at the moment seem to be around control. And how messy it is. And can responsibility and control be separated from one another. And wondering if we really can actually avoid controlling people. And is it possible to have control that is OK. I think there must be some level or we might just sit here and never act upon anything and never move forward with anything.

I think the only real conclusion I ever come to is that I don’t know about life or have the answers. It’s a very elusive thing. Quite a mystery to me. But in this moment I have a gentle contentedness that I might hold on to for as long as it sticks around. A contentedness in not knowing.

I think that my life at the moment is going to teach me to become very differentiated. I feel much better about it calling it “differentiation” than just feeling plain nasty or unkind. But surely by the end of the year I’ll be going on expert differentiationist. I hope.

I turned to Jacob this afternoon and said, “It’s odd you know, I haven’t really done anything today but so much has happened. It’s been very eventful.” And we both sort of smirked to ourselves and laughed at how funny our lives are. You’ve gotta laugh, you’ve just got to.

I’m thinking about studying journalism. It’d never crossed my mind before. But that’s because I didn’t know much about it. It’s bringing me new hope and excitement at the moment. PURPOSE! Time will tell, courses sound much better in words than they sometimes are. But it sort of sounds like someone putting words to what I’ve been trying to articulate for so many years now. Eeek

Lovely lovely lovely. Merrylands came for BBQ.

“We must learn to live as if the impossible is possible, because, though there are no guarantees that everything will change if we do, it is absolutely certain that nothing will change if we don’t”

-Dave Andrews

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Everything is so confusing.

The other day I prayed for an easy life for the first time. Not really a prayer I normally think is a good idea. And it was funny actually. Minsik and I went bushwalking on the weekend. We did the 6 foot track and we both wanted a nice serene wilderness walk that would be a bit challenging. On our second day of the supposed three we were hanging by a river having a long morning tea turn lunch and complaining how easy it was. Maybe I don’t want it easy after all. But gee it was lovely to go bush and so relaxing. And Minsik is so winner, even if he does eat cloves of garlic raw. Crazy character.