I’ve been feeling most young and innocent today, and not in the good sense.

I was embarking the train at Hornsby and was approached by a charity asking for money. The man asked if I was over 21 and when I said yes, he almost laughed at me. Then at Strathfield when I was changing trains, another man from a charity approached me and asked the same question. I said yes and he had a similar response. I laughed. He proceeded to say it was a coompliment but then insulted me by saying I sounded really young. I think I’d rather look young.

Anyway, when I stopped talking to him, I started getting rather annoyed at him. He was really rude to me. I was saying how I think it’s so important to help the environment and how I go out of my way to buy environmentally friendly products and to not be a burden on the environment and I am trying my hardest to conserve etc, and he said in a really smug little way, “Hehe, yeah well a lot of us try but trying is very different to actually doing.”

I so rarely stand my ground. I’m very submissive and I don’t really like it. It’s something I think I am being challenged with lately, and my whole idea on the matter.

It’s funny, I don’t reckon I’ll ever stop feeling like a child, you think that when you get older things will change, but I don’t reckon that much will. There will always be things I don’t know and that I am innocent about. I think I just need to learn to be less submissive, stand my ground on things that are important.

I’m a pretty open person, am happy to let people know most things about me, but I think I realised today why it can be good to have distance. Letting people know some things about you when they don’t really know you allows people to judge you without them knowing the first thing about who you are. And on one level I don’t want to try to monitor how people perceive me, how they see me is their business, but at the same time, from my perspective, I think I don’t want to share it because it minimizes my choices and decisions to a mass expected thing or something. We were told this quote at church on Sunday and I really liked it.

Live a life worth questioning and have answers worth giving

And I think that’s why distance can be good, because if you just blurt everything to a stranger there is no chance for someone to question the way you live and for you to provide the answers for that. There is probably something about making yourself vulnerable in there as well, but I don’t know if I want to tease that thougt out right now.

So many interesting things to discuss in this life.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 20th, 2005 at 4:29 pm.