Sometimes this world can feel so take take take. That is sad. But at least not hopeless.

I never realised how much I was a person who wants an easy life. I’ve been a bit confronted by that desire lately, when most things seem pretty difficult. But I don’t really want to be someone who just wants everything to be easy. However that is easier to say when you aren’t in the middle of it. But then sometimes you are blessed with easiness and it’s great and such a blessing. But better to be thankful for that than angry at hard things…Who knows, maybe the angriness is constructive too, but I don’t know, I’m all out on clarity these days. Whatever happened to that. I used to have so much and now I have none. Maybe that’s a blessing too. But it’s so useful! Come back.

I’ve been thinking a lot about cultivating the spirit of gratefulness lately. One of those hard to see blessings I think is that of being in a place of discomfort, uncertainty, insecurity and vulnerability (which oddly enough is something I just seem to be Abundantly blessed with at the moment, unfortunately, I find it hard to appreciate and easier to dwell in its difficulty). Anyway, one of the great things about uncomfortableness is the way it keeps you on your toes, not taking anything for granted, keeping you constantly asking the question of “How do I love better?” Which is something that is a great thing to be asking, but easy not to ask when things are secure, easy and comfortable. Whereas, when you’re faced with difficulty and discomfort, you can’t help but ask it, and that is a blessing, because I so want to be someone who never forgets to ask, “How can I love better?”

All of Jemma’s L’Arche dreams came true. Not only did John Coleman come for dinner last night, I got to tell him how disappointed I was I never had come to the circle sung. So after dinner, John sung for us, ‘Welcome to the circle Jemma! It’s so good you are here….’ And so it went on. Oh how happy I was. From the man himself. In my own lounge room. He sung some other lovely ones too. I’ve sufficiently had to admit my groupyness now.

Last night Micha and I went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. Despite the fact my food was more Asian than Mexican it was yummy. They did have that Chile Poblano flavour though which did make me happy.

Anyway, the cool thing was the bus driver. So friendly. We got on the bus, and Micha said something and he was like…German? Micha nods, and the driver says, I can always pick the accent. Anyway, further on Micha in his confident way goes to ask where to get off and after awhile calls me down. The bus driver, Aussie as, starts saying bus driver things to me in Spanish like, en la proxima, espera espera. At first I thought he just knew 2 words but then I realised he actually spoke Spanish and lived in Chile and Argentina a good while and we had a yak. And I was happy. Micha said he wanted to drop us off after the restaurant so he could speak in Spanish for longer. So cute and friendly.

I came across these photos the other days and was having a moment of real nostalgia for the commy house.

Retreats are marvellous things. I had such a nice time on my own for the last few days. Which is a strange thing, because I can often be a little scared of my own company. However, I rather enjoyed it. Jean Vanier was there in spirit too, as I read his letter to L’Arche. That was a great great source of joy for me. Or of understanding, or something. Sleeping too is also something that I love. I hope that it will sustain me. I left feeling a bit…not coping.

Also oddly enough, I think the silence scared most of the other people retreating more than me, which surprised me. I thought I would find it hard. However, I just enjoyed the silence, the people rarely talking to me, the being able to do whatever I wanted. Like sleep when I felt a napping urge. Oh the joy.

Abbey is a nice name for a girl.
I am going on a retreat to the Benedictine Abbey in Jamberoo tomorrow. Yay. yay. Yay. It’s all a bit unknown to me. But I’m pretty excited about the idea of retreat, sleeping, walking, praying, reflecting and just generally not having responsibility for a few days.

L’Arche is great for learning not to care what people think of you. Another moment of Andrew not wanting to get out of his wheelchair. A great idea hit Nina and I. Andrew responds well to music where people dance like idiots. So, there it was, in the middle of Parramatta I cranked the music in the car and Nina and I made quite sufficient fools of ourselves dancing dancing dancing. I closed my eyes and thought, I’m in a lounge room and gee I think it worked.

I would really like snippets of sound recordings from this house sometimes. It’s like an absurd surreal place. Martin says during dinner. I am laughing because I am Popeye. Of course he is Popeye.
Everything happens at 4 o’clock. Of course it does.
Do you want something? Yes. What do you want? Nothing.
What do you want to eat for dinner? Jemma. Hmmm. With what? Toast.
Do you want to go and see this movie. It’s about these people who accidentally get married in Las Vegas. Pause. Gabriel puts it well. Rubbish. Well we didn’t see that.

Oh life life here is thrills and spills it makes me laugh laugh laugh.